I have been in a battle with God for as far back as I can remember. When I was young I believed that all those trials and tribulations were God trying to prepare me for the purpose I was born to do. I endured the heartaches and I always defended God for not being there and not answering my prayers because it was all part of my trials. However, the older I got and the more chaos I faced and the continued lack of answers, I grew in forming a conclusion that perhaps God was not testing me or strengthening me … perhaps God just did not like me.
But what would I have done that God would dislike me?
Why did God not like me? I sought answers from many purveyors of God, and the most common wisdom I received was about faith. Trust that God has a plan. Trust that God loves me. And trust that I am part of God’s plan. I just have to have faith.
In Character Profiling one of the areas I help people with is building the Characters of the Virtue of Intelligence. Passion, Open-Mind, Knowledge, Creativity, and Mastery … each provides an individual with the ability to apply proper measure to self-govern progress from what the individual knows. Progress from what is known … this is the meaning of Intelligence.
I love the word faith, but not many things irk me more than the bastardized use of the word faith. Faith is based in confidence, and confidence is based in knowing. To be without knowing is the word ignorance. To do something without knowing the something or to do something even though you know better, comes from the word “foolish.” Through my Intelligence I must concede that belief in the doctrine gods has made me feel rather foolish.
Because I felt foolish about the doctrine gods, perhaps I should not believe that I was meant for something within God’s plan. Perhaps I should not believe that God did not like me. Perhaps rather, I should just not believe in God. Perhaps it is, just foolish.
Another area I help people with is in building the Characters of the Virtue of Integrity. Honesty, Fidelity, Justice, Appreciation, and Equality … from my Integrity I know that God has been within my thoughts for as far back as I can remember. God is real to me whether I like it or not. To admit to what is real to me is to embrace the whole of me and to be whole in the meaning of Integrity. In Character Profiling, the Pendulum Swing holds reasoning that although I may feel foolish and although I may feel so much hate that I want to not believe, with as much as I hate God, my love is an equal swing. My struggle is not within my Integrity of believing, but rather within my Intelligence about God, that I do not know enough to reason progress with the doctrine gods. And, I want to know God!
In my search to know God I have engaged in discussions with many purveyors of God from many different denominations. And for most of my life I have continued the battle with God.
In our book An Engraved Mark: A Journey to Find Character I talk about that day my life broke from the cyclic pattern of my trials and I stepped into an unknown journey to find Character. When I asked that question; Who the fuck am I, the initial answer held such an entropic revelation that to be honest has cause more anger and hate toward God than peace from which the answer was intended.
Perhaps, God did not know me?
An omnipotent being—All-powerful. An omniscient being—All-knowing. How could such a God … the creator of all things … not know me?
Let us say that I took you on a journey to the edge of our galaxy. There, we turn around and I ask you to point out Earth. Hundreds of billions of stars and over a hundred billion planets … where is the Earth? Add into the mix seven billion humans … where am I on this planet that we cannot even see? Add the infinity of the universe God had created and I become an infinitely small speck that is not even a speck of lint in the knowing of God.
If God does not know me, then why the fuck am I going through all of this bullshit?
I am not a monk on a mountain—yet. In Character Profiling I state that one cannot know others until one knows self. Now, I feel rather sheepish! I have been searching my whole life to know God, but how could I know God if I do not know myself … and how could God know me? I feel even more sheepish as I get so frustrated with the purveyors of God though I am confident that the purveyors themselves do not know themselves to know God.
“You cannot know another until you know self.”
Who is better than me? Who is worse than me? This is the arrogance of comparison. Arrogance is the violation of the Character of Equality within the Virtue of Integrity.
I am the best! My belief is the best! All are deficient to me! This is Hubris. Hubris is the vice to Integrity for hubris is housed only in fear. Hubris starves the Virtue of Humanities. Altruism, Forgiveness, Respect, Social Intelligence, and Collaboration … the Virtue of Humanities tells me that this is my world. Why would a God care to know me if within the God’s creation, I would starve my own world?
The Virtue of Courage means to go beyond the obstacles of risk. To know God, I must face something that is perhaps the most terrifying obstacle that every human will ever face. God does not know me. Thus I must have the Courage to be without God. Yes, even a proclaimed atheist believes in a higher source and thus they also fear the same obstacle.
What kind of human will I be, without God?
To achieve the Virtue of Integrity I must have the Courage to have the accountability of me. I must feed my Humanities. And I must do it on my own!
Character Profiling … define who you are and you find who you are—you know who you are! Only when I know me … then I trust—I am confident—that I will alas know God.
Plugs for AnOddBox:
Forthcoming book An Engraved Mark: A Journey to Find Character http://www.anoddbox.com/an%20engraved%20mark.htm